Spam, a Critical Reading

To begin: yes, that is Spam molded into an iPod. Is it related at all to this particular post? Only slightly. It is just too wonderful, I think, to leave out.

Anyway, now to the meat of my subject: spam. Some unfortunate souls have to grapple with spam on a very intimate basis, but the only interaction I have with the twenty or so pieces of spam I receive daily is emptying out my spam folder. I rarely pay attention to the actual contents of what I receive, but then again, why not? Bad English and embarrassingly obvious attempts at phishing are goldmines for humor. Entire communities dedicated to the exploit of spammers have been formed, and the results of the more extravagant of counter-scams are absolutely hilarious. I figured I'll join suit, if in a slightly diminished capacity. Following is my personal analysis of a few choice pieces of spam email:

From: Khiem Warner, khiem-warner@aerojazzstep.de
To: xxxx@gmail.com
Subject: msiluart

Why wait any longer, get your extra long schlong in 3 months
(link removed)

Hmm, interesting first name. I couldn't find anything on the origins of Khiem as a forename, although it appears to be a Vietnamese surname. Perhaps dear Khiem's parents were just a little challenged in the etymology department; it's a beautiful name, and certainly fits with Warner. Oh, and he's from Germany! As luck would have it, I plan on being an English teacher in Germany after graduation, perhaps Khiem will help me out in repayment for my patronage.

The subject line of the email, however, is a little confusing. "Msiluart" didn't make sense at first, although it occurred to me that Khiem may be playing word games with me. A quick visit to the Internet Anagram Server turned up several possible rearrangements for the word, among them: altruism, muralist, lair smut, ultra ism, and "a rim slut." I'd rather like to know what a rim slut is, perhaps if I inquire further Khiem will introduce me to a few. He might even let me have some of his lair smut if I'm polite.

So far as the actual email is concerned, I have to hand it to Khiem; his English is excellent, and he writes in a very persuasive style. His message is quick and to the point, and "long schlong" is a very clever rhyme. He may have forgotten the period at the end of his sentence, but overall I'd rate this as an excellent composition. I look forward to doing business with him in the future, and eagerly anticipate ordering and ingesting all sorts of mysterious pills and clicking on strange links.

From: RAY sandor, RAY180@241445.dmresh.reply.placeapts.com
To: xxxx@gmail.com
Subject: tuvisiru

hello andy
few simple thlngz to make */our life easia
(link removed)
RAY sandor

I can tell instantly that RAY is someone you don't mess around with. The capitalization of his first name is striking; it imparts an almost regal sense of power and demands respect. RAY is a shrewd businessman indeed, I'm sure he got to his position in life through his strong-armed self-presentation. The capitalization of his name could, however, be interpreted as mere arrogance by those so foolish as to underestimate RAY's power, but in anticipation of this he leaves his last name uncapitalized. Through the lower case spelling of a proper noun, RAY shows us that he also has a humble side, and is not so inflated and self important as to disregard the thoughts of lower class individuals. Sheer brilliance.

Notice how he addresses me on a first name basis, as this is a very subtle maneuver. RAY is respected by many, although in addition to taking the time to write me an email promoting his mysterious product, he chooses to ignore the trappings of more officious greetings and instead meets me on a personal level. One would be foolish to ignore this most intimate and generous of gestures.

RAY strengthens his personal relationship with me by appealing to my generation, more specifically by employing an unorthodox yet effective combination of l337 sp33k and urban slang. Anyone can simply write words like "things," "your," and "easier," but RAY recognizes that these words have become drab and passé in the hundreds of years since their inception into the English language. The use of "easia" displays a deep understanding of my cultural heritage, and that RAY has so effectively bridged the generation gap between us is nothing to belittle. These mysterious things that the formidable RAY is vending entice me greatly, I'm sure that whatever he has to offer will improve my life by orders of magnitude.

From: Dr. Graham Kimball, grahamkimball@conchtraders.com
To: xxxx@gmail.com
Subject: Are you a real man?

You Do not please with your male organ size.
Women joke at you.
Solve this problem now.
Use our male aggregate enl,argement and Girls will love you sure enough.
I have tried! Now it is your turn to change your sexual life.
(link removed)

Oh, it's from a doctor! But how did he know that I don't please women with my organ size? Perhaps the government shared my medical information with him regarding my performance problems in the hopes of helping me with my sexual deficiencies. It appears news of my diminutive phallus spreads fast, as this is only the second of thousands of emails I've received regarding penis enlargement. I think this surge of support has renewed my faith in the goodness of humanity; these fine gentlemen, instead of snickering and ridiculing me, are trying to help. Well, maybe Dr. Kimball does mock me a little, but the spirit of his offer offsets his strange sense of humor. The domain name of his email address is also of particular interest; I'm absolutely sold if he's trading pills that will result in a conch-sized penis.

Although maybe not, "male aggregate enlargement" doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in. Taken at face value this doesn't make much sense, as the word aggregate means "a whole formed by several (typically disparate) elements." Dr. Kimball may have gotten a little confused looking through a thesaurus for synonyms for penis, although this statement could be construed to mean that I will end up with several large, disparate elements in my jeans after partaking of his medication. The very concept of tentacle rape freaks the shit out of me, and while I may be seeking to change my sex life, I think I'll stick with what nature endowed me with. Thank you, Dr. Kimball, but I'm passing on this one.

I think this exercise in sarcasm has inspired me to explore the lives of these spammers further. I want to seek them out and ask them questions, as these short emails they send me offer up little actual substance. Perhaps I'll reply to a few spam emails to see if I can lure a spammer into a little correspondence. Stay tuned for the results.

Edit: Sorry for the funny formating after the first email. Don't know what's going on, and efforts to fix it have proven fruitless.
Edit: Now fixed! Thanks Ikinari.